THE OCTOBER DAILY #31

Who are the people you miss? What are the things that you miss doing together?

This will have to be the most dangerous post I will make – because I will expose myself as vulnerable.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile… so good to me, so right.”

-Back to December | Taylor Swift

I swear this will be the end of me. I am missing this person that I had decided not to miss. I decided never to think of him again, never linger on the memories, to forget his name, his touch and everything else about him. But I’m kidding myself, obviously. This will be the only time I’ll admit that I miss him.

 

I miss him because once there was a time that I did fell in love with him.

But loving him is so wrong in so many ways. I knew from the start that falling for him will only cause me trouble – but who can actually stop themselves from falling in love? How can I stop myself from loving him when he made me feel alive – heart beating fast, Goosebumps all over and blushing cheeks?

How can I forget the way he’d take my hand and plant brief kisses on it? Or when he kissed me on the forehead that night when he fell asleep and I fixed the blanket over him? How can I forget the warmth emanating from his body when we touched, embraced or just sat beside each other? Do I have the capability of erasing memories like the time when he said “There is something about your kiss…”?

From the start, I knew that I will never be the best for him – and that he will never be the perfect choice for me. I break whenever these memories would spill from its vial and spread all over my mind. It’s like poison to my soul. I shatter to pieces. I long for his touch but I will never admit it… not to myself, not to everyone else, and especially not to him. How can I?

Spur of the moment.

I want him so bad. Pain stabs my heart every time I see his face. The distance is like living a torture every day. I knew that I never should have fallen in love with him… but it just happened. His kisses and his touch from long ago burned fiercely in my mind. Just his existence made me fall in love. The small things he did to me sank me deeper into adoration for him. None can compare. He was like the spark that ignited the life in my soul. His laughter ringing in my ear was like music. His whisper was unforgettable. How could I ever forget about him?

“I am not in love with him. I don’t care about him. I don’t think about him. I don’t miss him.” Can you see how I keep on deluding myself? It is for my own good. I know that if I let myself linger to his memories – I will stay in love with him and his absence will crush me.

I MISS HIM. I MISS HIM BADLY.

 

But he will never know. I will never say this to him. If he find out about this – he will gloat. He will have his bragging right and inflate his head because of this. And I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. I am a fool for falling for him – it was a huge mistake. But if I’m going to be honest to myself – it will be this time. I miss him because I was in love with him. But he doesn’t need to know. He wouldn’t care anyway – one way or another.

This will be the end of me.

50daf-theoctoberdaily

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