THE OCTOBER DAILY #31

Who are the people you miss? What are the things that you miss doing together?

This will have to be the most dangerous post I will make – because I will expose myself as vulnerable.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile… so good to me, so right.”

-Back to December | Taylor Swift

I swear this will be the end of me. I am missing this person that I had decided not to miss. I decided never to think of him again, never linger on the memories, to forget his name, his touch and everything else about him. But I’m kidding myself, obviously. This will be the only time I’ll admit that I miss him.

 

I miss him because once there was a time that I did fell in love with him.

But loving him is so wrong in so many ways. I knew from the start that falling for him will only cause me trouble – but who can actually stop themselves from falling in love? How can I stop myself from loving him when he made me feel alive – heart beating fast, Goosebumps all over and blushing cheeks?

How can I forget the way he’d take my hand and plant brief kisses on it? Or when he kissed me on the forehead that night when he fell asleep and I fixed the blanket over him? How can I forget the warmth emanating from his body when we touched, embraced or just sat beside each other? Do I have the capability of erasing memories like the time when he said “There is something about your kiss…”?

From the start, I knew that I will never be the best for him – and that he will never be the perfect choice for me. I break whenever these memories would spill from its vial and spread all over my mind. It’s like poison to my soul. I shatter to pieces. I long for his touch but I will never admit it… not to myself, not to everyone else, and especially not to him. How can I?

Spur of the moment.

I want him so bad. Pain stabs my heart every time I see his face. The distance is like living a torture every day. I knew that I never should have fallen in love with him… but it just happened. His kisses and his touch from long ago burned fiercely in my mind. Just his existence made me fall in love. The small things he did to me sank me deeper into adoration for him. None can compare. He was like the spark that ignited the life in my soul. His laughter ringing in my ear was like music. His whisper was unforgettable. How could I ever forget about him?

“I am not in love with him. I don’t care about him. I don’t think about him. I don’t miss him.” Can you see how I keep on deluding myself? It is for my own good. I know that if I let myself linger to his memories – I will stay in love with him and his absence will crush me.

I MISS HIM. I MISS HIM BADLY.

 

But he will never know. I will never say this to him. If he find out about this – he will gloat. He will have his bragging right and inflate his head because of this. And I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. I am a fool for falling for him – it was a huge mistake. But if I’m going to be honest to myself – it will be this time. I miss him because I was in love with him. But he doesn’t need to know. He wouldn’t care anyway – one way or another.

This will be the end of me.

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THE OCTOBER DAILY #30

Share a generous act that you did to a complete stranger.

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It was a rest day from work when my friend and I went to the nearest mall to just chill out and enjoy the day. We were strolling, admiring dresses we’re never gonna be able to afford and gawking over guys, when I noticed this old lady almost inching with her steps carrying a tray full of food. She looked aged, with a head-full of white hair and trembling hands. At once, by instinct, I rushed to her and gently took the tray from her grip.

“Please let me take this for you.” I boldly said, no chance of refusal available.

The old lady looked surprised then thankful. She led me back to her table and there I saw what seemed to be her daughter, probably in her forties, sitting comfortably on her chair playing Candy Crush Saga on her iPhone. She looked surprised as well when she looked up, wondering who I might be. The first thing that came into my mind was this:

Why did you let your sixty year old mom carry your food while you’re just sitting there looking healthy and well?

But who am I to judge, I reprimanded. So instead of giving a menacing look to the daughter, I placed the tray properly on the table and faced the old woman. She thanked me repeatedly and I brushed it off with a sincere smile.

“It’s nothing, grandma. You’re welcome.” And with a nod, I rejoined my friend.

It pains me to see an elderly struggling with a tray full of food while her daughter, who’s years younger than she is, just sat there playing a game on her phone. It seemed to be like love taken advantage from – but I couldn’t be too sure. Maybe the old lady insisted on doing it, but it doesn’t mean that the daughter should have gave in to that. Anyway, helping grandma sure made me feel so good about myself. The feeling of helping someone you don’t know can bring a kind of joy beyond any word you can utter. It’s just indescribable.

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A POST FULL OF SHAME

 

For starters, I DO NOT INTEND TO PUBLISH THIS POST. But for the sake of a good read, I will. This is my point of view of the generation today, which may or may not change for the next couple of years. I am not aware when this kind of trend started but I bet it had been going on for a long time now. Who started it – probably our ancestors? When did it started – ages ago? Where? EVERYWHERE.

I am talking about what everyone are so fond of doing – SEX.

For this post I am going to use the experience from one of my friends who will not be named for the sake of her well-being and so-called reputation. This post is based on the culture of our country and our current lifestyle. Any similarity to anyone you know is purely coincidental – or it may not be, whatever.

“Love is so overrated.”

 

That’s what she taught me – yes taught, because she insisted firmly that it’s a lesson to be learned. My friend – let’s call her Iron Maiden – had once loved so much before. “Those with iron hearts once loved purely long ago.” She used to say to me. I used to shrug it off since Iron Maiden is very fond of her one-liners. Long story short – she was hurt by the man she loved and made her the Iron Maiden she is now. If I will describe my friend the Iron Maiden – she loves “the game”.

What game, you might ask?

“The Game of Lust” Iron Maiden would say with her crooked smile. She’s the kind of person who’s very open with “sex talks” and us – her friends – just got used to it over time. We’re actually open-minded about it, since none of us are minors. “Learn to play the game. No man will take you seriously anymore, so why take them seriously at all? If they’re playing you, then why not play them too? It’s all a silly game. It’s whether you win or lose. If you fall for them, you lose. Play with them and you win.”

 

At first I couldn’t believe this kind of mindset, since I grew up from a small city in the province. People aren’t used of this kind of liberation, though we are aware that it’s already the norm for other countries where high school or college students can have premarital sex during parties without parental supervision. But it’s different here in our country… years ago, I guess. Now, if you go to our capital, you can see that sex is such an easy thing to do nowadays – with anyone you like and anywhere you like.

And that’s the kind of generation I see in us today.

Go to a bar, get drunk, dance with a guy you totally don’t know, start making out and end up having sex in the nearby motel. When you wake up in the morning, you don’t exchange numbers (depending on the situations or mutual attraction, I guess) and then leave like nothing happened. And if the night come again, do the exact same thing. THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS A FACT NO ONE CAN DENY FROM ANYBODY. In the US, Asia, Europe and everywhere else – this kind of trend is at its peak.

“Fall in love when you’re thirty. Fuck while you’re still up for it.” Iron Maiden would tell us. But when I look at her and see beneath that mask of invincibility – what I see is someone who is afraid to fall in love again. Love breaks even the strongest people. People who are basically afraid to get hurt again would put up this bravado that they don’t know how to care anymore or that they’re only up for fun and nothing else. This is kind of sad, because I had witnessed a lot of great people crumble after heart-break. There’s this girl who I’ll call Miss Corn-Head – young, smart and pretty – that got played by the boy she’s terribly in love with. And now all she wants to do is sulk, walk and do things alone. I always urged her to move on, help herself and live life to the fullest – but she refused many times.

Heart-break made this kind of generation? Let me ask you if it’s true, though.

Is it because that too many heart-breaks happened that people, even teens, these days prefer to play and fuck around rather than maintain serious relationships? Is it because that they are afraid that love will only break them that they’d turn to lust instead? Will this generation be saved?

With divorce here and there – who could answer with assurance?

This is just sad.

I know lust and sex existed ages ago, but they cannot compare to pure love. I know I might sound so old-fashioned or stupid or naïve or innocent to you guys, but I actually am not. I am also a child of this generation. But is it wrong to hope for something from the past?

I’d be terrified if I find out someday that my future daughter will have her first sex at the age of 15, or that my son can get someone pregnant without even graduating from high school. Both of these are possible, since teens are given way more freedom than they ought to have. I am not going as a psycho disciplinarian here, I know you parents or young adults do understand.

I just wish that this generation could have been molded in a much better way – a way that could never have made someone like the Iron Maiden. I hope for a generation with less pornography, rape, abortion, premarital sex and underage pregnancies. I know it’s too much to ask, but hoping is free. I hope that my son can grow up in a community where he doesn’t have the privilege to fuck every girl he likes in every party he get himself into. I hope that this generation can teach him the value of purity and saving yourself for the right person. I, too, made this kind of mistake, I am not a hypocrite nor virgin. But is it wrong to ask a better life or future for your children? Is it wrong to aim for a better lifestyle for the coming generation that we will eventually leave?

Changing this generation is as hard as a diamond, like waiting for the tallest and grandest of mountains to crumble into dust. This is me expressing my disappointment. I had made these mistakes before too, and I do not intend to do it again. I am revolted to how easily sex can be gained – recklessly and irresponsibly. I do hope for the better days, when dignity and purity and sanity can be taught back to the children. I do hope – with all I am – that one day I will still be able to see that “Game of Lust” all forgotten and a generation at the right track, leaving the filthy past behind.

THE OCTOBER DAILY #29

How would you define ‘Happiness’?

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.  A variety of biological, psychological, religious, and philosophical approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources. Various research groups, including positive psychology, endeavor to apply the scientific method to answer questions about what “happiness” is, and how it might be attained. It is of such fundamental importance to the human condition that “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” were deemed to be unalienable rights by the United States Declaration of Independence.

Philosophers and religious thinkers often define happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion. Happiness in this sense was used to translate the Greek Eudaimonia, and is still used in virtue ethics. Happiness economics suggests that measures of public happiness should be used to supplement more traditional economic measures when evaluating the success of public policy.

Courtesy of Wikipedia

Noun 

1. The quality or state of being happy.

2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Courtesy of Dictionary.com

HOW I DEFINE HAPPINESS:

 

  1. When I receive a text message or a call from a friend or family asking how was my day.
  2. Lance would say “I love you” when I least expect it.
  3. When a passerby would smile kindly at me.
  4. When someone would say thank you.
  5. A hug from my siblings.
  6. A great day from work.
  7. When the weekend passed peacefully.
  8. Hot bath with my favorite shampoo.
  9. A wink.
  10. Flower from the one I love.

As you can see, you don’t need extravagant things to define happiness. Even the smallest things can make someone happy, which some consider as nothing or put in disregard. When I define happiness it’s what you feel inside along with contentment. When you are contented with everything that you have, happiness is everywhere. You can find it in yourself, find it with your family or within your work place. Happiness can have many forms and sizes. It’s basically everywhere – all we need to do is open our eyes and see it.

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THE OCTOBER DAILY #28

MY OUTFIT

Okay, to be honest, I’m a baggy-tshirt, denim jeans and sneakers kinda gal, but due to some occupational hazard, I learned the art of corporate attire for work. My daily outfit would be a blouse, slacks and some high pumps to finish the look. I’m not that fond of accessories but from what I learned, they can sometimes be necessary.

But my real outfit would look like this:

I can be very weird and unique when it comes to outfits. Whatever I want to put on, I will put it on. And my outfits involve overlarge or layered shirts, high knee-socks and high-heeled shoes. Sometimes they look KPOP-ish, with all the bright colors and designs, I don’t know because I’m not much into labeling. Anyway, something my outfit can’t exist without would be my glasses. I rarely use shorts too, unless I’ve got some leggings or stockings on. I have huge legs (thanks Dad for that kind of gene) so I want to hide them under brightly-colored or denim pants.

By the way I am very fond of my jackets, sweatshirts and hoodies. I prefer them a lot so I’m more of a rainy-person than the one who loves the heat. Since I was a bit overweight before, sleeveless or spaghetti-straps doesn’t look good on me at all. I wasn’t comfortable wearing them so eventually I threw them out of my wardrobe. What stayed where the long and thick hoodies and sweatshirts which I love to pair with black leggings. They say it’s too Korean, but I’ve been wearing that even before KPOP phenomenon started.

Mostly, I’m more after comfort than vanity – but a girl has to be a girl. There would always be days that I’d like to look girly and glam which I cannot fully take out from my femininity. I may not know a lot about fashion but I know what looks good or not. All in all I would say that my outfits aren’t that flashy but I always make it sure I look presentable and I feel comfortable in it.

How To Control Anger

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WHAT MAKES A PERSON ANGRY? I tend to ask myself that question whenever I ponder about things I shouldn’t. In my case, I’m the kind of person that gets pissed quite easily. I think that’s understandable, for myself, since I can also be impatient in some situations. So I can say that I don’t have the patience  for people who really wants me angry.

Then I ask myself, what makes me angry?

  • OFFENSIVE JOKES
  • SNIDES / SIDE COMMENTS
  • ARROGANCE
  • INSENSITIVITY
  • DISAPPOINTMENT
  • BULLYING
  • BROKEN PROMISES

For me, that list is pretty basic. And most of them usually can come from other people who could inflict the factor of me being angry. But the major question is – what do I do when I get angry?

Trust me, I know it’s cliche and all, but you don’t want to make me angry.

My personality is very strong, and I do retaliate instantly whenever someone harasses me. I’m not the kind of person who would keep to myself and back down when I am offended. I am very vocal with what I feel and I’d say what I want to say. It’s like, I’m the type of person that wouldn’t permit others to look down on me if I can help it.

Conclusion? All hell break loose.

I usually end up fighting with someone when I’m angry. Especially if the other person wouldn’t back down too, it’ll be nasty. If I get offended, I wouldn’t be the one to make space and just let it be. That person would have to answer to me and apologize if he did anything wrong.

For me, I find myself brave and independent. But I didn’t realize that it’s a bad habit and sometimes I must keep my cool instead of bursting out with anger. I didn’t think that I’m coming out as arrogant as the person doing it to me – and I was actually horrified to be such a person.

So what changed me? Eventually, I decided that I need to control my anger. Since I started on my current job – which involved teamwork and relationship with my co-workers – I learned that patience is a must. I reflected on myself and found out that I can be insensitive and arrogant when I’m angry… which are the exact things that makes me mad in the first place. At first I had a hard time mingling with my co-workers because of my personality and the way that I can easily get mad. Thankfully, our sessions of discussing relationships and personalities helped me changed my ways.

HOW DO I CONTROL MY ANGER?

Before, when I’m angry, I’d talk a lot in a very loud manner. But now, when I get pissed at someone, I’d give myself space. I’d separate myself from that person so that I wouldn’t get more annoyed whenever I see him. When a person is angry, the brain tends to stop thinking rationally – meaning that an angry person wouldn’t listen to anything but to what he/she wants to believe. So the space and silence will give you time to think rationally and calm yourself down. It does works for me. I’d stop myself from saying anything and leave the room. After a few minutes of sitting alone somewhere, I’d come to realize that what pissed me off isn’t that much of a big deal. Also, distractions can help. Listen to music or think about something else rather than linger on what or whoever makes you angry. After awhile, I managed to keep this kind of habit and avoid getting angry in an instant. It did help my relationship with my teammates and somehow we did got along well through the process. I learned that I shouldn’t jump into a fight all at once and give myself time to think in a humane way. Life became more positive and it also improved my personality. Anger is a natural thing for us people, but it shouldn’t be exercised or tolerated.

Anger can become sinful when it is motivated by pride (James 1:20), when it is unproductive and thus distorts God’s purposes (1 Corinthians 10:31), or when anger is allowed to linger (Ephesians 4:26-27). One obvious sign that anger has turned to sin is when, instead of attacking the problem at hand, we attack the wrongdoer.

– GotQuestions.Org

You cannot take anger out of our lives but at least we can control it and place it at the right place and time. Unnecessary anger will do nothing but give you unwanted trouble or most-probably – ruin your life. Do not live in anger or divulge in it since it can be the poison to the happiness of your life. Learn how to be patient, sensitive and humble. I did.